You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
