Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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