if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
