you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
