I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
