My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
