So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
false alarm, still single
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
