apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
