I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
