I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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