We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
