Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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