I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
