Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
