so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
