Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
