Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
