I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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