what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
