If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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