I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
