drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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