The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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