Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
