On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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