So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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