He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
