I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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