Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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