You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
