So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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