there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you will always have a special place in my vag
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
