Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
