you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
two words...techno handjob
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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