I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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