Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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