Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
