she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
