I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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