1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
