home. puking in laundry basket.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
