my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
