that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
