im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
