you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
