OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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