ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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