Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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