Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
