And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
