just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
