no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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