highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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