Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
be right there i have to get my cape
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
