thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
