She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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