I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
