Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
