I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
