In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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